By Vince Mancuso, Storage.com
OMAHA, NE—With Christmas Eve just weeks away, recent eyewitness reports combined with confessions of those close to the source reveal a long-held secret that’s sure to shock boys, girls, and parents across the world about the logistics of Christmas.
To the astonishment and relief of mathematicians, theorists, and certain western-hemisphere scientists, evidence shows that Santa Claus does not carry all of his gifts in one night-long flight of gift giving, but instead operates a highly sophisticated distribution system run through a network of worldwide self storage facilities.
“I was making an early morning drop-off of Christmas presents to my storage unit after doing some midnight shopping on Black Friday,” said eyewitness Sheila Jones, who rents a unit at a storage facility in Atlanta, Ga. “We have 24-hour access, it had to have been around 3 a.m., but sure enough, there he was—reindeer, elves, and all.”
While the Atlanta facility hasn’t responded to our calls, some operators from around the United States have come forward and admitted the truth.
“I’ve been running my facility since 1984, and Santa’s been using our location to cover the New England region ever since,” said one operator, who requested to keep his name and location off-record to avoid Christmastime backlash. “The whole coal thing isn’t a joke,” he adds.
Our source went on to say there are ten participating facilities located throughout the United States—the “10 Lords of Leaping,” as Mr. Claus allegedly refers to them. Other operators have confirmed to Storage.com to both know of such a network, as well as being approached to join at some point.
“I remember him like it was yesterday,” said John Dubbe, general manager with Premier Storage, LLC., of Minneapolis, Minn. “His belly shaking like a bowl full of jelly was expected, but no one tells you about his smell of pine and peppermint.”
Dubbe said he was approached in early 2003 by a group of elves. At first, he added, the thought of having such a famous tenant would be great for his facility. Talks then fell through when Dubbe saw Mr. Claus’s list of demands.
“The milk and cookies weren’t too much to provide, but it got out of hand with the beard oil,” Dubbe said.
Dubbe said the one commitment he did keep to Mr. Claus was his silence, though recent footage revealing Mr. Claus at a storage facility has prompted Dubbe to step forward, and he’s not alone.
“As soon as I saw the footage, I knew it was time to come clean,” said Emily Ventura, assistant general manager of Las Vegas-based AAABCO Storage. Ventura said she was approached a few years ago and held a similar excitement as Dubbe when it came to having Mr. Claus as a tenant.
“I mean, it was the Santa Claus. He’s the embodiment of the Christmas spirit. I figured he would have been a nice guy to work with,” Ventura said, adding that negotiations soured quickly on Mr. Claus’s end. “We try to be accommodating and help our customers as much as possible, but he just showed us his rider, and it was too much.”
Both Dubbe and Ventura said they don’t wish Mr. Claus any ill will, but they simply couldn’t meet the demands of his contract. While these operators and others don’t recall his demands in their entirety, Storage.com is currently in talks to secure an interview with someone deep within Mr. Claus’s operation, as well as a copy of this list of demands.
A team of legal advisors has spoken on Mr. Claus’s behalf, stating the claims are false and the video footage has been doctored. Mr. Claus himself has refused to comment publicly on the shocking allegation, but our source from the North Pole claims to have heard him shouting, “Someone’s going on the naughty list for this!”